This time last year I was pregnant for the first time.
Normally, I very much like to try and keep it light-hearted and I love when you’re telling me that my posts made you giggle or lifted your spirits that day. However, some days it can just get too much. Clearly all these extra hormones during my pregnancy certainly had their way with my emotions.
This post is going to detail one of those experiences.
FEELING DOWN, FINDING IT ALL A LITTLE TOO MUCH AND COMPLETELY LOSING MY HEAD!
Now this isn’t an, “I hate pregnancy” rant or anything like that. I love being pregnant and feel exceptionally privileged to have made it this far and wish more than anything to go full term. Yes I know I’m wishing for possibly the most uncomfortable time of my life in the heat of June! However, there are so many mothers out there who don’t get to experience this and who enter the world of motherhood with so many added fears. I hope that I never have to experience this but it’s clear to me, that on the grand scheme of things, I currently have very little to complain about.
That being said, I think it’s important to discuss that actually this process can be incredibly overwhelming.
Here’s my experience of one of those moments.
A lovely morning
I’d just had a lovely two week holiday. We’d had a fabulous time in Scotland and spent some real quality time with together. During this time we’d also made loads of progress in our garage! Mike is aiming to have his home gym up and running pre-baby. We’d also managed to decorate the nursery.
All in all, a great couple of weeks, however, I was due back to work the next day.
I work with fabulous people, I have lovely students and I knew what I was going to be doing over the next few weeks. I also knew all of the lovely things I had to organise over the coming weeks and had some really fun activities planned.
So why was I starting to feel so down?
That morning we went to the cinema and I was on cloud 9. I felt so happy and thought the rest of the day was going to be fab. I was literally sat in the cinema, rubbing my bump like the cat that got the cream. We came out of the movie and Michael told me that he’d made plans for the rest of the day. Plans that I was going to be involved in and plans with friends who I’d wanted to see.
The Beginning of Emotions
I just all of a sudden wasn’t feeling it. I just wanted to spend time with Michael and if I’m honest, I had come across all anti-social and just wanted an afternoon of movies, chocolate and cuddles.
This wasn’t what we had in store.
We invited Michael’s mum and her partner round to see the newly decorated nursery. It was lovely and they’ve helped us so much with things for the baby and it was great to show them what we’d done. I felt absolutely fine having people round and still felt like myself.
After they’d left we had a delicious lunch of cheeses, hummus and pittas.
I had no idea why but I started to be tetchy. That’s when I started to feel slightly deflated. I was a little mean and definitely feeling agitated.
I just didn’t want to leave the house. On top of that, I really didn’t want to leave our dog Nala.
Poor Michael didn’t really know what to do with me.
We had plans and people waiting to see us. I just felt awful and I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. Though, with friends waiting and Michael being unsure as to what to do with me, he left to go and fulfill our plans. My feelings weren’t caused by any of his actions. None of this was his fault, he deserved to have a nice afternoon instead of being around my misery!
Tears, tears and more tears
Unfortunately, as soon as he left I burst into tears. This wasn’t like the gentle sobs of the clothing melt down. This was deep, heavy, weighty weeps. Uncontrollable.
I literally stood in the living room and crumbled, instantly regretting sending Michael on his way. Quickly, I walked out of the house to see if he was still in the driveway but he’d gone. I came back in and couldn’t move past the doorway. Then I just cried and cried and cried. Nala looked at me. She fetched a toy and came back to me. My lovely, little pooch knew there was something up.
I’d managed to move myself to the sofa by this point. Nala got up next to me and started to lick my face- either she loved me and had some empathetic animal sixth sense or, more likely, she just liked my salty tears. Either way her presence and little spirit genuinely lifted me but I still couldn’t shake this empty feeling.
These bottomless, pitiful cries seemed like they were never going to end and definitely went on for at least a good 15 minutes. It was exhausting.
I got myself a tissue and a glass of water and used it to slow myself down. Sat there, I just stared at the TV that wasn’t turned on, sipping my water and breathing into my tissue to clear the tears. I had not experienced this type of crying since I was a child and knew that the reason I was now experiencing it was due to my hormones. Sadly that didn’t make me feel any better or give me the ability I needed to stop it.
Somehow my middle sister seemed to have some sort of telepathic link. She called me just as I had managed to get a hold of myself. She also had already experienced pregnancy hormones as her best friend has recently had her first child too.
Mental Health Boost
All I can say is thank goodness for sisters. I felt so lucky at that point to have Sophie on the phone. She kept me calm, she reasoned away my craziness and made me feel myself. It was exactly what I needed and I was so happy to hear her voice of reason. We had a good chat and I felt much more together.
(As you can see my hormones and emotions were really swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other!)
Pre-pregnancy I have had my unreasonable, out of control moments. This was nothing compared to these pregnancy melt-downs.
I genuinely feel like I’ve been quite fortunate through pregnancy and not experienced too many of the bad sides of a process that can be so varied. I am enjoying being pregnant and looking forward to the rest of my weeks. However having these extreme mood-swings and feeling isolated during those moments is not something I had been prepared for and it is not something that is discussed openly.
All I can personally say is that I definitely feel very fortunate to have the support systems that I do around me.
Going through changes
My body has changed so much, as has my outlook at the moment. I feel incredibly focused on our impending arrival and it dominates my thinking. Knowing that my life is going to change irreversibly is simply staggering. Though I am unbelievably excited to meet the little wiggler inside me I am so nervous about how I can’t anticipate the changes. Though I’m often late and like to be spontaneous, I also like to be able to plan. At the moment I just don’t feel like I can. This is definitely something that I am struggling with despite being so overjoyed at the same time. It can be difficult to reconcile and takes a toll on my mental health.
Every time our little noodle turns and kicks, I can’t help but smile and I know in time this will all be but a memory. Everyone discusses the physical side effects of being pregnant but I have found that the worries and feeling low are spoken about a lot less. I hope that once my baby is in my arms these thoughts will be but passing moments. However, at this time they feel completely engulfing. I have my fingers tightly crossed that I don’t experience too many of these instances in my last few weeks of pregnancy.
The one thing I know is that, if I do, I am lucky enough to have people in my life who will help me through.
To those of you who are feeling this way today know that you are not alone.
I am back to feeling myself now and should hopefully return to the humour next week!